Jade black

A collection of the previously approved/denied character's applications complete with feedback posts for future reference.
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do you approve this character

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no
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Total votes: 3
Jade Black
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2022 6:09 am
Age: 17
Gender Identity: intersex female
Race: dragon Faunus wing +fire gland
Aura Color: Jade green
Occupation: beacon student
Semblance Name: Masquerade
Weapon Name: judgement and dispair

1. Are you 18 or older? We want to know if anyone is under 18 years of age. Being under 18 will not bar you from participating in our community. Rather, this will allow us to gauge who is acting inappropriately toward minors.
Yes, I am 27 yeas old
2. Do you have experience with collaborative writing or role-play, and if so, roughly how much? You can be brief. This is intended to help us provide useful feedback in your approval.
I have been rping off and on role play and ttrpg for over ten years
3. You may include an optional (SHORT!) Role-play sample for people to read that gives a feel for your character in writing.
"What do you mean you're not coming to atlas adcamey with us next year and that you are moving to vale?" the
said white haired boy with the gears in his head.
"Da I'm going to beacon it has been great living with you guys but dandelion works most of the time and your mother comes by to visit so much.

And she hates me she hates all fauns really it's so stuffy and uncomfortable there, plus the cold weather puts me to sleep, and I can barely move most days."
Jade said, her thick atlasion accent coming though as a smile pulled at her black panted lips. Before it fell once more back to its normal scowl when she sees who was watching them talk. She wanted nothing more than to not face the mother of the boy behind her and the woman she will one day marry.

"What are you doing here, Miranda March? "I am here to make sure my daughter doesn't marry a freak of nature from some forgotten tribe of human loving monsters fauns should marry other fauns and humans should only marry humans, a sergated rimment is the only way our kinds can live in peace otherwise war is the only answer." "dah and that ended so well for your kind last time you tried that." She said with easy sarcasm as she pulled her arm back and got ready to pull the trigger built into her gloves. She heard the click of the bullets loading into the gun's camber of despair. She turned to see the younger teen stand next to her as he pulled out his dust blade and the two prepared to square off ageist the woman standing in front of them.
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Al Ciendra
Posts: 398
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2021 5:13 am
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Wolf-Ears and Fangs)
Aura Color: Orange
Occupation: Beacon Student
Semblance Name: Volcanic Heart
Weapon Name: Arcum and Gladio

Im not gonna beat around the bush and say, no.

But here's why.

Her physical description still sounds like it's from rule34.

Thank you for explaining why she has issues staying warm.

Can she fly and if yes, how good, long and fast can she do it ?

You mention jade putting on a facade as her personality, what kind of facade ?
Also as Bartok mentioned she's from a military background, she'd have this kind of behavior beaten out of her and been forced to fall in line and behave properly.

Please stop dictating how people interpret things.
"She often wears a face that suggests she has something to hide."
Does she not make eye contact, look grumpy or nervous ?
"...In a way to others makes it seem like she is hiding something."
Wearing a hood is a common thing people do.

Her semblance too, why do people passivly see her in a negative light ?
Why do they even have an effect, you say trained Huntsmen can resist the effects or flat out ignore them in her BACKSTORY but not in the semblance section.
And she has spent most of her life with huntsmen or huntsmen in training and is doing so right now.

Her weapons would still tear her skin from her bones because wrapping ammo belts around your wrists and waist at 700rpm is suicide.

You say she's a brawler but then mostly say how she lays down covering fire.
Mention that she knows several fighting styles but not what kind of fighting style, does she focus on throws or kicks or punches or grapples or or or or...

Also she's that strong?! Why and how ?
Her focus is clearly her guns!

"Natural born leader"
No.
Just no.
She can barely talk to people let alone lead them.

She has a fiance you never mentioned before ?

Just in general, please explain the things you mention in her profile.

Also, please, use a spellchecker, the grammar in this is still not good, but atleast better than before.
Al chatters in #FF5500
User avatar
Bartok Evergreen
Posts: 252
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:13 am
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Male
Race: Faunus (Vampire Bat)
Aura Color: Blood Red
Occupation: Student
Semblance Name: Bleed and Drink
Weapon Name: Coiled Sting

For everything said above, on Discord, and all the things I said on the last approval thread, all of which were not addressed, No.
User avatar
Asterion Khryseos
Posts: 106
Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2021 9:57 pm
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Male
Race: Faunus (Bull Horns)
Aura Color: Gold - CFB53B
Occupation: Student
Semblance Name: Dynamo
Weapon Name: Lustrous Chimera

There's a lot to unpack here, so I've split it into sections. Please bear with me.

1: GENERAL
Your application is still in need of proofreading. Numerous grammatical errors - such as missing punctuation and capitalisation - are present throughout.

2: PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
As has been mentioned before, the description reads more along the lines of one that would be present in a more risque forum. Colours is not that kind of forum, to the best of my knowledge. I would strongly advise rewording this to the best of your ability.
What do you mean by her looking as though she has something to hide? This alone is quite vague, as there are numerous ways that this could manifest. Some people would look quite nervous and shifty, while others would be standoffish and suspicious, glaring at others and trying to avoid contact with them.
I would like to ask that you elaborate on what relation body temperature has to whether or not she is able to tuck in her wings. I am not as familiar with reptile physiology as I would like to be, and I feel like this deserves even a cursory explanation, given how important her wings seem to be to her.

3: PERSONALITY
What do you mean by “fits don’t?” A fit is a state in which someone has even less control over how they express themselves. Perhaps you meant fists or fights? Again, please proofread your work. Spellcheck will catch the most egregious errors, but please understand that it is your responsibility to make sure your application and posts are worded well enough that they can be easily understood.

4: BACKSTORY
As I previously stated on the previous thread, real-world companies and people do not exist in Remnant. Parodies and allusions do, but not the entities themselves. Mikhail Kalashnikov and his work do not exist here. Richard Jordan Gatling and, by extension, the Gatling Gun, do not exist here. Weapons similar to these can and do exist within Remnant, but I repeat - real world people and copyrights do not exist within Remnant.

You stated in the Discord that her tribe works with a research outpost in Solitas, and that you had mentioned this information before. I did not see anything alluding to this in the original application, nor when reading this one. Please include said information, as it seems incredibly important for the setting.

Flying is mentioned towards the end of the application. My concerns regarding her trio of abilities, stated in my previously-submitted feedback, are still present.

5: SEMBLANCE
Directly affecting how other people see her - i.e. controlling their emotions - sounds to me like mind control. In my experience, powers like that tend to be notoriously easy to abuse and difficult to manage, no matter how slight the effect. Moreover, it takes agency away from other players. Allow me to explain.

Let’s say that, for example, someone had the power to shoot laser beams out of their eyes. If they fire those lasers at someone, then while they might be forcing their opponent to act, their opponent can choose how to act. They can dodge, block, deflect, try to counter with their own laser beams - basically, they’re allowed to choose what to do and how to feel.

With mind control powers, you take that away from someone. You tell them how to act and feel, and that is - by its very nature - antithetical to roleplay. However a character feels about Jade’s Semblance is not for you to decide. That much is decided by the player, and the player alone.

6: WEAPONRY
None of the concerns expressed in the previous thread have been addressed regarding this. Moreover, any concerns I have are stated above. Please refer to them, as I am in full agreement regarding the issues pointed out.

7: FIGHTING STYLE
I must admit that I am having difficulty parsing this section, and as such, cannot offer feedback I believe is 100% accurate. Please take the following with a grain of salt.

Someone laying down covering fire and/or suppressing fire is antithetical to being a brawler, as both are done at vastly different distances. A brawler must be right up in their opponent’s face, while covering/suppressive fire is - by definition - done at a distance. Unless Jade has a way of constantly and reliably creating and closing a gap, then it’s best that she stick to close-range combat. Consider her guns instead just providing a way to hit something that’s too far to hit, or too dangerous to get near.

8: STRENGTHS
If I am reading this correctly, she stopped a Deathstalker with a single finger while ripping its tail off. I have difficulty believing this to even be remotely possible, as it’s not something that even Hazel seemed capable of.

None of what you have written indicates that she is a natural-born leader.

“deathstockers hates those things” - If you are listing Deathstalkers in Dislikes, then it is by definition something that she dislikes. This is redundant.

CONCLUSION
Overall, I cannot approve this application, for the reasons stated by me and by others.
SOLDIER KEEP ON MARCHING ON
HEAD DOWN 'TIL THE WORK IS DONE

--🎜---
#CFB53B
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