Ciana Corvus

A collection of the previously approved/denied character's applications complete with feedback posts for future reference.
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Ye or Ne.

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Total votes: 1
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Lios Cecilio
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:17 pm
Age: 19
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Cat Ears and Tail)
Aura Color: Gray with a Dark Red hue
Occupation: Huntress-In-Training
Semblance Name: Mea Umbra
Weapon Name: Riko

1. Are you 18 or older? We want to know if anyone is under 18 years of age. Being under 18 will not bar you from participating in our community. Rather, this will allow us to gauge who is acting inappropriately toward minors.
Yup I'm 25 (26 this August.)
2. Do you have past experience with collaborative writing or roleplay, and if so, roughly how much? You can be brief. This is intended to help us provide useful feedback in your approval.
I've got 15+ years of experience with more serious collaborative writing and roleplay, so I've seen my way around the neighborhood to speak.
Last edited by Lios Cecilio on Tue Jul 27, 2021 5:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
SheidelII
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2020 10:47 pm
Age: 0
Gender Identity: Male
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Ciana Corvus seems like quite the serious type.

Physical Description I'd recommend adding what she actually has instead of seems. It's nice to see her personal touch in how she wants to appear to others, but the profile should include the unaltered physical features she possesses. Even if the way Corvus presents herself is an important part that grew from her past, definite information is beneficial. You don't have to remove anything, but there needs to be a distinction between appears and what is.

For Backstory Highlights, the mentions you've made of the Schnee Dust Company (SDC) will need to be removed or changed to another name. At this time with how we treat this setting's canon, the SDC does no exist. This may change in the future, but for now, I have to ask that you edit this part of Corvus' Backstory at least for now. You may change it back if the community decides to bring the SDC into the setting.

Another point I want to note is her vigilantism and how far Corvus goes. The notoriety she's gained is something that should have an impact in her time at Beacon Academy, especially if information has already started putting a Semblance to the person. This isn't a point against allowing her into Beacon, but it is something I want to make sure you know is a high-profile kind of character and there is a level of scrutiny that comes with that.

Inazuma's ability to "weaken the molecular bonds of anything it cuts" is another point I want to make note of. I think it's enough to conclude it as a sharp blade and not go into problematic flavor text.

Fighting Style. Real world references, such as martial arts, are also something we rule against in our setting. Mentions of Iaido, Taekwondo, Bajiquan, etc. will need to be edited out. Corvus' skill in these disciplines is also concerning given how numerous and diverse they are. I recommend consolidating them to pick the one best suited to her as it can become an issue of a character being too skilled to fail in any area, and that isn't too fun to collaborate with. That issue continues in her Strengths with the second entry you have.

Strengths are a bit too subjective and should go into what Corvus is plainly good at instead of the perspective of others. It doesn't really go into that except for the final two entries. Maybe put in some of the traits that make show her strength of character as well, such as Corvus' strong sense of morals from stealing to give to those in need and her vigilantism. There are definitely things you can include that go beyond what she's physically capable of.

Not all Faunus have night vision, but that's a minor point if anything.

I don't have a problem with Ciana Corvus as a character, but the skill set could use a bit of tweaking in my opinion. There are some things that need to be outright removed and edited, such as the Schnee Dust Company and mentions of real world martial arts. Other than that, there isn't much wrong with the base and she's definitely shaping up to be an interesting character. I'm looking forward to how her moral compass develops in her time at Beacon Academy among other Huntsmen and Huntresses in training and how her persepctive shifts when exposed to new ideas. I want her to have a friend and not be alone anymore!
SheidelII
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2020 10:47 pm
Age: 0
Gender Identity: Male
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I want to make sure, but is Ciana Corvus being apped as a non-student character?
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Lios Cecilio
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:17 pm
Age: 19
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Cat Ears and Tail)
Aura Color: Gray with a Dark Red hue
Occupation: Huntress-In-Training
Semblance Name: Mea Umbra
Weapon Name: Riko

SheidelII wrote:
Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:15 am
I want to make sure, but is Ciana Corvus being apped as a non-student character?
That's accurate yes.
SheidelII
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2020 10:47 pm
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Gender Identity: Male
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Ciana Corvus wrote:
Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:27 am
SheidelII wrote:
Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:15 am
I want to make sure, but is Ciana Corvus being apped as a non-student character?
That's accurate yes.
Alright, thank you.
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Bartok Evergreen
Posts: 252
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:13 am
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Male
Race: Faunus (Vampire Bat)
Aura Color: Blood Red
Occupation: Student
Semblance Name: Bleed and Drink
Weapon Name: Coiled Sting

I like Ciana! Rogue ninja type. From what I understand from the profile(and directly above) is that you're not planning on Ciana being a student at Beacon. Which is fine, they are allowed but there aren't too many characters who aren't students. You could still interact with them outside in the city though, but I just wanted to make that known.

A few points besides those that Sheidell has already mentioned:

1) Not a must, but if you could go through the profile and read it outloud to yourself, I'm sure you could catch the need for punctuation and a few minor grammer fixes. That would make it easier for people reading it in the future to learn about your character.

2) Her sword is fine and all, but I would like to see how the ranged energy slash thing works with Dust, since Dust is the main technology of the world and it would help ground Ciana into the world of Colors and RWBY. I'm pretty sure Power Cells don't really exist, everything coming from Lightning Dust as a source of electricity(Or, I think that's how it all works).

3) Fighting Styles. I know Sheidell mentioned changing the names and all, but with a trainer who, as of reading her backstory, doesn't seem to be around her all the time since he was just found dead one day, though that could have been after they split up or what have you, I think she would have a bunch of moves from martial arts mixed together. You don't state that she's a master at anything, but you do list a bunch of martial arts (which is good to show your knowledge). Honestly, I don't know what half of those even look like. To help get a better picture of what sort of moves she makes, you could try describing. Example: "She mixes movements from various martial arts. Lots of high kicks, strong grapples, and fast jabs. With her sword, she makes quick slashes before returning the blade to it's sheath, always coming from a strong starting position." The names show your research, but it doesn't help those who want to imagine her flipping through the air and laying hate down on baddies.

Aaaand I think that about does it. A good sized profile with enough to sink your teeth into but not choke. I will be abstaining from voting until these things are corrected. Hope to see you around soon! I think my character Jericho, a past pirate who's no in hiding, would have some paranoid times interacting with Ciana.
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Lios Cecilio
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:17 pm
Age: 19
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Cat Ears and Tail)
Aura Color: Gray with a Dark Red hue
Occupation: Huntress-In-Training
Semblance Name: Mea Umbra
Weapon Name: Riko

SheidelII wrote:
Tue Jul 27, 2021 3:08 am
For Backstory Highlights, the mentions you've made of the Schnee Dust Company (SDC) will need to be removed or changed to another name. At this time with how we treat this setting's canon, the SDC does no exist. This may change in the future, but for now, I have to ask that you edit this part of Corvus' Backstory at least for now. You may change it back if the community decides to bring the SDC into the setting.
Noted I'll change it to something else.
Inazuma's ability to "weaken the molecular bonds of anything it cuts" is another point I want to make note of. I think it's enough to conclude it as a sharp blade and not go into problematic flavor text.
I'd say there's a bit of a significant difference between a sharp blade and this, the idea is at full charge it has the potential the cut cleanly through metal which is not exactly something your average 'sharp blade' is going to be doing. (Though contextually speaking that is entirely possible to do in RWBY given that Aura is essentially a amplifer of all physical attributes when someone knows how to properly use it.)
Real world references, such as martial arts, are also something we rule against in our setting.
Context here I'm using this more as a point of reference versus actually something that'd be said in Roleplay so you'd never hear any of these be listed off or said in "Roleplay" but their being listed off to give a point of reference of what this looks like similiar to how to just use canon example's Yang uses Boxing, Mercury is a Kickboxer (With a fair amount of Taekwondo mixed in.) and Adam uses Iaido.

On the flip side of this.
I think she would have a bunch of moves from martial arts mixed together. You don't state that she's a master at anything, but you do list a bunch of martial arts (which is good to show your knowledge). Honestly, I don't know what half of those even look like. To help get a better picture of what sort of moves she makes, you could try describing.
This is a fair bit of critcism and I'll admit I should've done a bit more to describe the exact specfics of it, though I tend to let Combat RP do that as it can look clunky when you try and describe how a character fights without an actual opponent at times in my personal experience, it's why points of reference are generally used.
skill in these disciplines is also concerning given how numerous and diverse they are.
Think the above sums it up quite well in the matter of she isn't particularly a master in any what so ever, it's diverse sure but it's meant to be a combination of that diversity to create a singular style of combat versus being mastered in all of these and uses all of them in conjuction at a mastered level.
Strengths are a bit too subjective and should go into what Corvus is plainly good at instead of the perspective of others. It doesn't really go into that except for the final two entries. Maybe put in some of the traits that make show her strength of character as well, such as Corvus' strong sense of morals from stealing to give to those in need and her vigilantism. There are definitely things you can include that go beyond what she's physically capable of.
I believe there's an entire section that is about this, I went for a subjective mindset on social because from a social strength or weakness aspect it will always be viewed subjectively if those are a weakness or a strength depending on who you are interacting with, an example would be a stutter could be endearing to someone or annoying to someone else, they aren't objectively weak or strong, thus I went for a more subjective POV outside of the more clear mindsets (I.E. someone who is clearly going out of there way to be a pain in the ass and is looking to cause problems with them, is generally going to have problems with them.)

None of this was meant to really highlight Physical Strength as it was meant to highlight where her social strengths and weaknesses.

As far as Physical Strengths go, I feel the Weaknesses in regards to them tend to balance out well (I.E. Strong Semblance, Strong Weakness and cost of usage as a result, good versatile close range fighter, but terrible long-range fighter, street smarts and life experience versus not having the best proper training.)
Not all Faunus have night vision, but that's a minor point if anything.
You're right it's most not all, this is a mistype on my part will be corrected.
I'm pretty sure Power Cells don't really exist, everything coming from Lightning Dust as a source of electricity(Or, I think that's how it all works).
Dust isn't how everything in RWBY operates see Penny and several Mech's etc, Dust is a reasonable alternative though and should've been mentioned. (The Standard Robotic soliders Atlas makes use of are as far as we are entirely robotic and aren't powered by Dust.)

EDIT: Minor problems such as the Night Vision and SDC mention fixed, I'll get to some of the other changes when I wake up tomorrow.
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Myron Hyles
Posts: 81
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2020 4:58 am
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Male
Race: Human
Aura Color: Turquoise
Occupation: Student
Semblance Name: Sleeping Spell
Weapon Name: 40 Winks

I really like the concept of this character! The fact that she's a vigilante can make for some really unique interactions.

Most of the gripes I have with the content have been covered by Sheid and Bartok, though I'm going to put an emphasis on the readability. Honestly my head's spinning after reading Ciana's profile. Most of the time your sentences act as entire paragraphs (you have a ten lines long sentence at some point), and there are some typos or missing words that make it even more confusing.
I like the amount of details that you fit into this, but it really needs full stops.

I'm curious about another detail too: her profile says she has dichromacy, but is it a wolf trait, or is it unrelated to her faunus nature?
Also the mention of autism in "Fun Facts" may be clumsy? Some might feel offended by that. In my opinion, it's either a minor thing and doesn't need to be mentioned, or it's important and has its place in her Personality section. Better be careful with mental illnesses.
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Lios Cecilio
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:17 pm
Age: 19
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Cat Ears and Tail)
Aura Color: Gray with a Dark Red hue
Occupation: Huntress-In-Training
Semblance Name: Mea Umbra
Weapon Name: Riko

Myron Hyles wrote:
Tue Jul 27, 2021 9:52 pm
I'm curious about another detail too: her profile says she has dichromacy, but is it a wolf trait, or is it unrelated to her faunus nature?

Also the mention of autism in "Fun Facts" may be clumsy? Some might feel offended by that. In my opinion, it's either a minor thing and doesn't need to be mentioned, or it's important and has its place in her Personality section. Better be careful with mental illnesses.
Dichromacy is the color in which a Wolf sees in. (Humans for example see in three colors versus a Wolf that sees in two, particularly Wolves don't see the colors Red and Green.)

As for the regards with Autism I don't like going into my own IRL issues nor try to use that as a shield of any sort, but given I'm autistic I'd like to think I can handle it well enough and it's far more offensive to shape one's personality around something like Autism, unless you are dealing with a severe case.
SheidelII
Posts: 54
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Inazuma’s cutting ability can simply be explained through use of Aura to amplify its attack. The reason I think it’s problematic to describe it as capable of weakening molecular bonds invites the idea that it can cut through virtually anything. Armor that’s top-grade military material will just be like butter or even Aura protection, and that makes the weapon very powerful without even the use of Aura or Dust. I’m not saying it can’t have the potential to be powerful, but the wording makes a problematic interpretation.

There isn't much I can say against Power Cells as they seem to just be storage units for electrical power, which you've said can be charged through her Semblance. A lot of technology on Remnant is powered by Dust. It’s an integral part of the world even if certain things are not elaborated on, such as the Mechs or Penny. Dust is the foundational component to Remnant’s technology and is frequently used to justify the majority of advancements. Factoring in the fact that the Atlesian Paladins were made in collaboration with the Schnee Dust Company, and we have strong reason to believe that Dust was used in the making and most likely powering of it. Penny is a special case and can’t really be treated the same way as normal technology. It doesn’t make much sense from this perspective to use something that isn’t Dust based when it has been integrated into every level of society and is a wide spread commodity. There isn’t a reason not to use it, especially when it is an extremely powerful substance.

I think it’d be worth mentioning Ciana Corvus’ jack of all trades approach and how she takes from different styles to make her own amalgamation. Like what Bartok says, references are useful, but forming what this character does paints a clearer image. If they’re a striker or grappler situation. Ultimately up to you, but referencing actual martial arts, even if only in the profile, does bring elements of the real world into the roleplay despite how unintentional it may be.
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Al Ciendra
Posts: 398
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2021 5:13 am
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Female
Race: Faunus (Wolf-Ears and Fangs)
Aura Color: Orange
Occupation: Beacon Student
Semblance Name: Volcanic Heart
Weapon Name: Arcum and Gladio

Ciana in concept is very interesting, a vigilante not-really-huntress could really shake up our little setting and bring some wonderful interactions to the table.

I personally don't have an issue with her strength and versatilty, she has to back up her position somehow afterall.
Plus unlike most students she'd probably spend A LOT more time fighting.

Any critique I could have thunk of has already been mentioned above so I don't have much else to say on that front.

So yeah, Ciana got herself a big fat yes from me!
Al chatters in #FF5500
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